Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize