yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
