seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize