Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
