i'm signing you up for texting rehab
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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