Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Mom said you looked used
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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