I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
