glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize