somebody snuck up and got me drunk
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize