I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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