her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
