i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
lol hangovers are for mortals.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
