Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
