I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
