his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
