dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
i need some magic done to my vagina
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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