you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
