my mouth tastes like poor choices
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Oh god it's open bar.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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