My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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