oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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