Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
