Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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