The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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