He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
