The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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