Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
