I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Apparently you make a good broom.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
