Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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