Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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