fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
