can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
