your thong is hanging out like whoa
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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