i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
