I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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