Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
