My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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