News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
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