Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
