Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
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