a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
