whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
