hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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