We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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