if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
