My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
