So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
