i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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