Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
