did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize