Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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