I'm gonna have a badass scar
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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