Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
