Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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