Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
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