what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
