At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I have fence marks all over my body
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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