she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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