just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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