last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
