Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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